I never stuck my cock in the fox’s box but
Damned if I didn’t open Pandora’s box
They try to slander your man
On CNN and Fox
My Miranda don’t stand a chance, with cops
Even my old fans like old man just stop
I could if I would but I can’t
I’m hot, and you blow
I’m still the man to watch, Hublot
On my left hand or not
Soon I step out the booth
The cameras pops niggas is cool with it
Till the canons pop
Now my hand on the bible
On the stand got your man in a jam, again
Got my hands in cuffs
I’m like god damn enough
I put down the cans and they ran amok
Piece skin rupture spleens
Cracks rips go through cribs and other things
No sympathy for the king huh
Niggas even talk about your baby crazy
Eventually the pendulum swings
Don’t forget America this how you made me
Come through with ‘Ye mask on
Spray everything like SAMO
Though I won’t scratch the Lambo
What’s it gonna to take
For me to go
For y’all to see
I’m the modern day Pablo
Picasso baby–JAY Z “PICASSO BABY”
A baseball bat wrapped in bare wire, drenched in salt, and covered with glued thumbtacks with Mia Khalifa’s blood used as sprinkles for extra effects aimed straight to the balls for instant critical, and future youthful impact. Or, hogtied to the train tracks with a iPhone camera on the slow motion setting ready to capture everything right before the train comes for the final scene to wrap the video up before I send a copy to their girlfriend, or, their boyfriend as a surprise present on their birthday. Hell, maybe even get a chance to get a hold of them late at night and recreate this 2003 “Texas Chainsaw” remake scene repeatedly until Emit Till’s picture would seem elementary in comparison once I was finished getting my anger out fully, and completely away of my system.
Wait, that may seem random. Allow me to explain. You see, this right here used to, and still to some certain extent still is, a visual representation of my anger. That’s how I would feel whenever someone would criticized me in a negative fashion for self seeking pleasure whether alone, or, in front of people which made it worse. Granted, I can take constrictive criticism. I have no issues with that. But, when someone purposely tries to humiliate, or, embarrass me due to some problems they had prior or are still dealing with daily and I sensed it, my blood would boil over as thought vomit would spill out as I kept my reaction at times bottled up tightly inside. As a result, that energy needed to be feed and its only source that played host to its parasite was me
I would devour on myself and wonder what it was that I did wrong. I would pierced a dart board on my chest and take aim at me constantly until I would tire myself. All of that energy I refused to released would result in me caching a headache. Damn near a margarine at that. I would be the hero turned villain in a instant based all on my doing. Its like if Jason or Michael Myers was chasing me in a horror movie and all of a sudden, I would grab a knife and start stabbing myself repeatedly, while at the same time blaming them. Its amazing when I think on it now. Not once when I was younger did I associate the energy of that anger with the person who was the cause of the action. Always, I was eat that pain and obsored it inwards as if I was at fault for being stupid. Luckily though, I smarten up and came to a, enlighten but still very, very dark realization:
Their mother, is going to die.
More than likely, it will be sudden. Unexpected. Probably while they are having sex with their spouse or with someone they are cheating on them with. In their most blissful moment of pleasure, their most painful moment of displeasure will occur next.
They could be just enjoying a day off from work. No bosses, no working, no office politics, no worrying about only having 30 minutes to relax and eat lunch, and no stressful moments of looking at the clock wondering why the time is going slower than fat people trying to jog in quicksand. All of this not a factor in terms of working will flip as now they will have to work by dealing with stress and soon to be family drama of organizing a funeral.
Time with the kids could be in the mix too. Teaching kids right from wrong or just simply playing with them having mindless dumb and youthful fun for a few moments or minutes. Time won’t be a factor. Kids tend to remind us not to take this life as serious. From their un-agenda having smiles to their laughter at the most silliest and weird stuff that as a adult all you can do is shake your head and smile with them. That is, until they get the phone call and their smiles of avoiding reality come crashing down as they get thrusted right back into the mix.
You see, this has been my observation and I’m sure yours as well when it came to dealing with people that, for one reason or another, just because they are undeveloped inside, in my most honest and blunt opinion: Are just trying to fuck with your day. It took me time to get this point. It took me time to deal with the built up emotions inside of me that would arise when I had no ammo to fire back with due to some unplaced fear that I believed steamed from worrying about my father’s reaction when I was a kid which, lead to low confidence in self and belief of self. There is a difference.
I had no way to deal with this. I still struggle with it to this day if I am being real. I had no way to separate who this person at their core, vs who this person was from that moment in which things were occurring. I had no way to combat against someone that quite frankly would not make any impact in life that was important to me other than currently in that very second. I had no philosophy to go with in order to help me see the truth from reality of the situation. I was lost on a path to nowhere hoping for a quick map to use.
People that mess with you feel in their heart that they can due to seeing a opening in your character as a person. They feel they can test you if they see there is a unlocked door or soft spot in the personal wall we all build up around ourselves and try to take advantage of that. Its a animal thing I believe. If a lion could see a blood leaking from a limping elephant, I believe it would take its shot when any other time it wouldn’t dare try to go against a animal bigger than itself. Its nature being nature and at our rotten, dark, stinking, and unfiltered core: We, are assholes. Accepting this fact in myself helped me deal with other people as well. It lead me to see that if they wanted to use their dark side on me, then why would I ever question whether or not if I wanted to use my dark side RIGHT BACK on them. But, in a more, smarter and digestible way.
This is why nature though at times can be a cruel bitch, it can also be a blessing in diguise. This is why I said “Their mother will die” up above. Its the truth. Its going to happen. Not just to them, but to all of us. And if not the mother, then maybe a father sister, brother, close Aunt or close Uncle. Eventually, that pain that was shot at me, will turn right back around and swing at them. Zen and Buddhism teachings when it came to suffering says that we suffer because we have a attachment to life. I understand the subtly of what the Buddha meant now after truly understanding what he was saying, but, at the same time with all respect if I was to maybe go backwards a bit and adjust the teaching, I see a positive in this.
For you see, attachment is something Buddhism says we need to do away with and I get that, I do, but, in the attachment phase for those who have no idea what Buddhism is beyond the robes and memes movies created of out it, I look at a concept as suffering as something that can be used in a helpful way. Sure, the poor and the rich money wise differ in lifestyles, but, at the core true deep emotions still come into play. It doesn’t matter how rich say, a celebrity is. Eventually, they will have to deal with a death in the family. Pain in the body. The feeling of loneliness. Anxiety. Past issues with how they were raised. Moments of embarrassment. Etc. That pain is shared and felt by wall. Money has nothing to do with helping or saving us from it. Sure, Zen, Meditation, Religion, Yoga, and Buddhism may help as buffers for a while, yet, sooner or later we all will have to deal with the pain we try our best to avoid or pray gets avoided for as long as it can.
This is by no means me attempting to discredited Zen or Buddhism. I feel they have helped me in these last 3 years more than anything else has in recent years. Not weed, drinking, pussy (Well, I mean, nevermind you get the point) etc. My thing is just trying to look at it from a different way of thinking. Pain unites us. Whether its a school being shot up, kids being hurt, kids born with cancer and disabilities, animals suffering, places being bombed, family and friends lost, etc, it brings us together when our egos and concepts need a rest and what we are at our core needs to be exposed for a bit. Understanding this has lead me to be more mature (Sometimes. I’m still a work in progress) and aware of people and their reactions. It stems from places I may be unaware of at times but at its core, there is some kind of pain there we all are struggling with, or, will struggle with sooner or later.
Its why I picked the Jay Z lyric from his 2013 album “Magna Carta Holy Grail”. Those lyrics right there from a economic, racial, Hip Hop, and Historical perspective is quite interesting and also help inspired me to write this post today. Jay Z went from fighting to get to the top of the mountain to now having the same problems as the ones who were once on top before him. I mean, just think. Image it. Trying to tell the slaves of that past that one day there we be a billionaire who was not only black, but a black woman at that in Oprah. Or, image trying to tell them that one day, or people, our race would create one of the most dominant genres in all of music as well as create some of the most beautiful pieces of music ever invented that would live on generations and more generations to come. Or even more crazy, image how hard it would be to tell men and women who were shackled and stripped of their clothes, pride, humanity, dignity, and respect that one day, a man would become President of the United States that looked just like them (At least, 50%)
That is how I see those lyrics up above and this post as a whole. We started from the bottom in America. We were dirt poor. Rotten dirt poor. The bottom of the barrel. Nothing. No chance given or expected to make it out alive. We were seen as something that would die off sooner or later after our blood, sweat, tears, and kids were given to help create this country. We were created and forced spiritually, mentally, and physically into being losers. But now, the pendulum has swung back in full force and we are now at the same table we used to serve and set for others to eat while we were left with the breadcrumbs that fell from their mouth and onto the floor we too would later have to clean up as even as they ate. I don’t want to make this all about race but you understand my point. As with my thoughts on how others who had personal issues would treat me along with its connection to how black people have risen to be apart of the game now in America, it all ties in together. We have a long way to go still but, we are here, and we (Most of us) are aware.
The pendulum swings back eventually. Even with example from Eminem who used to be bullied brutally by a older kid in his class when he was younger. The bully at one point had power over him and Eminem had no authority he could dish back out towards him at that age. Fast forward now and the roles have been reversed greatly. Yet, had it not been for that bully, who knows if Eminem would be where he is at today. Just as with this post along with white people as far as black people go, One side has to play the role of the gun while the other plays the role of the bullet. By white people dominating black people for so long, Hip Hop was created out of the dirt and the position we were left in has helped (And also cause some issues as well) and created opportunities for black people more than anything else has before in history. As with this post, had I not gone through what I went through I wouldn’t be able to have created this post along with others just like this with others just like this which delves deep into the mind and the spirit to really bring fourth some truth that we all could use when needed.
In closing, at the main crust and core of this post: Understand as I spoke on right here, we all are pieces of shit.
We all aren’t perfect. We all aren’t going to always do the right thing. Sometimes others will do rotten shit to other people. Sometimes it will be pain that you will have to go through no matter how hard you try to avoid it. Sometimes your girl will do something that will make you start to question whether OJ was misunderstood in what he “Allegedly” did. Sometimes your boyfriend will do something that will make you wonder how many times it would take to slice off his Dick with a pair of scissors before he wakes up. I get it. Trust me I do.
But, if you can, as I will try too as well, not always because, Nature is going to Natch but, when you can, if it warrants it, just pause a bit ad don’t let the anger or pain completely take over who you are at your core. The one that was born a baby. Before old language, old concepts and old patterns took over and created the “Person fit for society” that we have here today. We all deal with pain. We have to start looking at other ways of dealing with it instead of being quick to react in our caveman like ways always. And, as corny as this will come off even though I explained it better here and here as well: We really are all one. Nobody at the root of all this is better than the other person. Its all one and the same……………. Man. That was corny. Pussy even. I have no choice but to leave it with an old Bernie Mac clip to help properly wrap this post up.
Until next time people. Take care, and thank you